Edition 486 – Stop Parenting

When our children are younger, we parent them to show them the way to lead life. “Don’t do this”. “Make sure you do that”. “Watch out for these dangers”. You get the drill.

As our children grow into their teenage years, the conversations continue, but at a different level. We’re worried about them hanging around the wrong people, doing the wrong things to their bodies, or any other infinite number of perils.

Some people never stop parenting their children. Into their twenties and beyond, these young adults are still issued warnings and/or instructions like they were small and vulnerable again. Alternately, they’re smothered by the inability to find their own way in life, due to the overwhelming control of their parents….or one of them. They’re unable to seek their own path, or to take their own risks, for fear of “that look” or “those words” from that same parent.

I see this all the time in family businesses. Patriarchs or matriarchs (and, they’re equally prevalent, and dominant) dictate to their adult children how things should be done in the family business. When an idea emanates from the mouths of these young adults, there are times when I’m astounded as to the dismissiveness that is employed by their parents. It’s what you’d call, the “control generation”.

“We’ve tried that before, and it didn’t work”.

“We’ve got a good model for our business, and you’re trying to break it”.

“What would you know, I’ve been doing this for 20, 30, 40 years, and I know best”.

When I see this at play inside a family business that I’m working with, I sit back and observe for a period of time, then dive in. Parent business owners can’t see that they’re suffocating the aspirations of their adult children, by not allowing them to voice their opinions, suggest new ideas, or contemplate a different direction. Of course, I see the reactions in these adult children, straight away. Body language conveys so much more than mere words.

Invariably, of the businesses that I’ve worked with over a long period of time, where succession has taken place between generations, I’ve observed that:

1. The young adults are eager to learn AND be a part of the family business.
2. Parents do best by showing them the business from the ground up. You don’t start by sitting in the big chair. You start by grabbing hold of the broom, and getting dirty.
3. Those same young adults are granted permission, by their parents, to make mistakes. Not fatal ones, but enough where the learning is remembered long into the future.
4. Over time, parents move from telling their adult children how things are done, to asking them how it can be done.

Perhaps I’m fortunate, but of all next generation successions I’ve enjoyed being a part of, I’ve seen revenues grow from 3 times to 20 times – and profits at the same pace. Why? Well, it’s simply as a result of the fact that for some parents, they see that only their adult children can take the family business to the next level, a level beyond which they themselves have the capacity, energy or confidence.

If you’re a parent with adult children in your family business, stop parenting:

1. In your language.
2. In your actions.
3. In your interactions with those outside the family and outside the business (talk about your adult children, as if they are on the same level as you, not a rung below).

Easy to say. Harder to do. But then again, none of us are aware of our blind spots, unless someone else points them out.

This Week’s Tip

“Control inside of a family business, by patriarchs or matriarchs, is really just ego, disguised.”